INTRODUCTION FOR PARENTS

Kindness is the single most important ingredient in a happy home. This is the conclusion of a family study completed by researchers Dr. Ivan F. Beutler, Dr. Thomas R. Lee and Dr. Wesley R. Burr. Kindness has been chosen as the first and most important "family solution" because it is a key to individual happiness and family peace. Dr. Albert Schweitzer, a well-known humanitarian, once said, "Kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust and hostility to evaporate."

As I have met with hundreds of families, spoken to numerous groups about family issues, and critically observed families for decades, I have come to know that kindness is indeed a foundational part of every happy home. Without kindness, the money and the time we give our families is meaningless. Where there is no kindness, all attempts at family solidarity are useless.

Kindness can be shown in many ways, every day. We have countless opportunities to show kindness in the home. I've heard it said in different ways but the message is always the same: little, frequent acts of kindness are appreciated far more than large material gifts given without affection. Simple words and deeds that show caring and concern for one another should be a part of the fabric of family life. When we treat one another as we would like to be treated, showing kindness and love, our acts of good-ness will be noticed and imitated, creating habits of kindness and traditions of family love.

Parents, I would like to speak to you about four ways we can be kind: in our thoughts, words, tone of voice and actions. These are the four topics of the lessons in this chapter.

First, let's talk about our thoughts. Since our thoughts precede and determine our words and actions, it follows that if our thoughts are kind, our words and actions will also be kind. I believe that the first step in being kind is to think kind thoughts about ourselves. Many times I've heard parents say things like, "I'm not a good mother," or "I'm always yelling at my kids." Parenting is difficult, and it challenges the abilities of us all. However, we need to be kind to ourselves as we parent, by thinking things like, "I may not be doing everything right, but I love my children, I'm trying to learn and improve, and I'm making the best decisions I can." Then if hindsight shows that some of our decisions weren't the best, we can think to ourselves, "I made the best decision I could, with the information I had at the time." And get on with our life. We should learn from mistakes; not beat ourselves up with them. Let's be kind in our thoughts about ourselves.

Also, we should think kindly of family members. It is easy to be offended and easy to dwell on our unkind thoughts toward others. Unkind thoughts can damage souls, tarnish attitudes, and weaken self-images. A better way is to refuse to be offended. Choose to be in control of your own thoughts. Instead of negative thinking, you could think something like, "My son (or any relative) doesn't know how much his remark hurt my feelings. I need to talk to him and let him know how I feel." Then, go to your son and speak kindly and calmly. You could say something like, "Son, when you made that unkind remark I don't think you knew how much you hurt my feelings. When you said that, how did you want me to feel?" Then, hopefully, your son will think about his remarks and your feelings, and you can discuss them.

Another way we can choose to be kind is by the way we speak. Every time we open our mouths to speak we have choices. We can choose to talk to our children kindly, passively or unkindly. For example, we can say kindly, "Honey, will you please shut the door?" Or passively we can say, "Shut the door." A third choice may be to unkindly shout, "Shut the door, stupid!" Lesson Ten, on Positive Words, offers suggestions of how to change negative statements into positive ones. For years our family had a gold decoration on our door with a motto which read, "Kindness Spoken Here." I enjoyed using it as an expression of one of our family goals.

As parents learn quickly, example is the best teacher-for good and for bad. From their earliest years our children imitate our words and actions. If we want children to speak kindly, we need to speak gently. Praise, compliments and acknowledgment of their achievements (no matter how small) are music to their ears, and food for their souls. Self-images are fragile, and need to be handled with kindness. We should speak the way we would like to be spoken to.

Let's talk about the tone of voice we use in our homes. Would we speak to our employer, or best friend, the way we speak to our children? As you will read in Lesson Three, "Kind Tone of Voice' " many times it isn't what is said, but rather how it's said that makes people happy or unhappy.

Our voices carry a great deal of power, and send messages to those around us. If we want our children to receive a message of love, our tone of voice needs to be kind. When discipline is required, voices can be firm and still send the message, "Even though I dislike what you did, I still love you."

The fourth way we can show kindness is through our actions. They can range from very small acts like a smile, a wink, a touch on the arm, to great acts of sacrifice such as donating a body part to someone who needs it to sustain life. For parents, one of the greatest acts of kindness is to give children our time. By doing this we are giving of ourselves in a way that tells children, "My mom (or dad) loves me. See, she wants to be with me-I am important to her!" It is my belief that children are in our homes for such a short time, we should do all we can to create sweet memories.

In addition to showing kindness in the ways listed above, we can some-times make a special effort to be kind by scheduling acts of kindness individually and as a family. We can set aside a little time on a regular basis-five minutes, fifteen minutes, an hour-whatever we choose, and not let anything interfere. We should treat this time for showing kindness just like any other important scheduled appointment. This time is for doing some-thing thoughtful. For example, we can call someone who would like to hear from us, write a letter, or as a family perform an act of service. Any thing we do will be showing love and making the world a better place.

We're all happiest when we feel loved-when we know people care about our feelings and have concern for our well-being. Family members show their love to one another through kind thoughts, kind words, kind tones of voice and kind actions. Where there is kindness, there is an atmosphere of love, and problems that weaken families are often prevented.

Kindness can be thought of as a circle. The kindness circle can be broken either by failure to show it, or by failure to receive it. It is equally important to both show kindness and be able to receive it. Usually we parents are so concerned about teaching children how to give that we don't help them team how to receive. Parents need to teach children to be gracious and return kindness with words and expressions of gratitude. For example, thank you notes sent to gift-givers are always appreciated, and often result in desires to give again. Simple smiles and words of appreciation following acts of kindness help keep the "circle of kindness" intact. Russell Lynes said, "The art of acceptance is the art of making someone who has done you a small favor wish that he might have done you a greater one."

You may not believe that your family can generously show kindnesses to one another because perhaps your parents didn't show kindness in your home. This is a challenge. Although you cannot change your past, you do have the power to affect your future; to choose how you think and act. You can choose to begin new traditions of kindness in your home. It will be more difficult than if examples of kindness were part of your heritage, but you can practice kindness in your family and leave a legacy of love for your children and grandchildren.

Kindness is the single most important ingredient in a happy home. Henri Frederic Amiel reminds us of the importance of this great virtue with his words "Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us. Oh, be swift to love ... make haste to be kind."