They approach cautiously.

"Please make it clear, that this is what I needed to do," each woman says. "Please don't make it sound like I am telling other women how to be good mothers; how they should do their jobs; that this is the only way to be a parent." Three separate mothers. Three separate interviews. Each woman prefaces her conversation the same way.

It is the remnant of the stay-at-home vs. working mother wars of the previous decades.

Except times are changing. Stay-at-home moms find less stigma for their choice. Often, they face envy from the mothers who have to work.

"How do they do it?" lamented a young mother who had just returned to her job after the birth of her first child. "How do they make it work?" It takes perseverance, creativity, a cooperative spouse and agreed-upon family values, said Lincoln mothers Kim Behrens, Jean Schoonveld and Victoria Fisher. Even then, it's not necessarily easy.

For the incalculable benefits of staying at home with the children, there is a price -- financial, social, political, emotional and even psychological.

Schoonveld lost touch with her working friends. She traded her career suits for sweats and tennies -- clothes that no longer flattered her figure and boosted self-esteem. She gained weight, forgot to take care of herself, neglected to exercise.

"We are not perfect parents," Kim Behrens said of herself and husband, Rick. "This is not a perfect solution that works for everyone. But it seems to be the most comfortable lifestyle for us." Erase images of women lounging on sofas, watching soap operas and stuffing bonbons in their mouths. Forget white-glove clean homes and June Cleaver seven-course meals awaiting for hubby's return from work.

"You're still busy," said Behrens, mother of Eric, 17, and Sarah, 14. "It's just less hurried." Victoria Fisher agrees. The mother of Jackson, 6, and Sadie, 2, works part time for the University of Nebraska-Lincoln.

"When I was working full time, I would get up early to have time alone with Jackson. Then I would cook at night after the children went to bed. You get so focused on time," Fisher said. "I was running myself ragged trying to get everything done. I never rejuvenated." Behrens and her family talked about having her be a stay-at-home mother for nearly a year before she actually "retired" from her job as a sign language interpreter with Norris Schools.

The family lived in a dream house, Behrens loved her job and the kids were happy and well adjusted. Still there was this "longing" for something else. When Behrens pitched her idea to her husband, Rick, he understood immediately, reflecting on his own experiences in Vietnam.

"He said there was always somebody back at the base camp, overseeing things and making sure everything was OK," Behrens recalled. For Rick, base camp was the troops' "home" in Vietnam. Both Rick and Kim thought their children should have the same benefits at their "base camp." They worried about missing those "very special and unique" times to share with their children.

"We knew if they (opportunities) weren't seized at that time, they were gone," Behrens said.

The family agreed to cut back in order for Behrens to stay at home. They sold their dream house for a smaller home in a less expensive neighborhood, pared down to one car and gave up cable television.

To this day, money remains the biggest issue for the family. The jury is still out on whether Behrens can stay at home indefinitely.

At times the kids grouse about going without what their friends have. But they also know they have something more their friends don't necessarily have -- a mother who is home when they drop in unexpectedly for lunch, a mother who can drive them and their friends places, a mother who is there --whether they want to talk to her or not.

Behrens recalled a day months after she had quit her job. Sarah was home from school sick.

"Sarah looked at me and said, "I'm glad you're here. I really do like that.'" Behrens recalled. "It was one little affirmation. If I never hear anything else again, it was a good thing to hear." Like most working couples, Victoria and Mark Fisher thought they could do this two-parent working thing just fine. Then a friend died in a plane crash, and they suddenly realized how short life can be -- and scarier yet, how short their children's lives can be.

An academic adviser to the undergraduate program at UNL, Fisher approached her employer about going part time. Her boss was receptive since he was reconfiguring her job anyway. When a part-time slot opened up in the department, Fisher moved into the vacant position.

Financially, the family has learned to live within its means -- buying used cars instead of new, forgoing purchases of computers, cell phones and Nintendos for the kids. For the Fishers, the biggest issue is finding part-time child care, which can be nearly as expensive as full-time care.

Despite warnings from career women, Fisher has come to terms with her decision. "I know now I will never regret it," she said.

After getting Jackson off to morning kindergarten at Morley Elementary, Fisher and Sadie spend their mornings coloring, making crafts, playing with toys, running errands and going on field trips.

"Sometimes we hang out and do nothing," she said. When Jackson comes home from school they do more projects, spend some one-on-one time together while Sadie naps and often cook together in the kitchen -- something Jackson loves to do.

"At night I'm not a crazy person anymore," Fisher said. "Now at night I can talk to my husband more." Improving her marriage was one of the unanticipated perks Jean Schoonveld received when at the request of her son, Howard, she up and quit her ideal job nearly 15 years ago. Today, Howard is 18, his sister Frances is 14, and Schoonveld is still home -- although she works on occasion as a substitute teacher.

She surprised herself as much as her boss and her husband when she quit. Howard had cried every time Schoonveld took him to the baby sitter. The tearful 3-year-old told his mother he didn't want to go to his baby sitter's anymore and asked her to stay home with him.

"I said "yes,'" Schoonveld said. But she told Howard, he had to tell her supervisor she was quitting.

"I brought Howard to work. He said, "My mommy is going to stay at home and play with me for awhile,'" Schoonveld recalled. Her supervisor was extremely supportive and even offered to let Schoonveld work out of her home. But she declined.

If she worked at home, Schoonveld said, her mind would always be somewhat on work, what she had to get done and when she was going to do it. If she was going to be a stay-at-home mother, she was going to do it 100 percent. That night, when her husband, Eldon, came home from work, Schoonveld announced she had quit her job. He didn't bat an eye and supported her decision.

So what did this suddenly stay-at-home mom do?

"We slopped around," Schoonveld said. They picked up trash from the school playground, volunteered at nursing homes, visited construction sites so the kids could see how buildings were made. They chased hot air balloons to their landing spots and even stopped in unannounced at a goat farm to learn about the animals. And they hooked up with other kids whose mothers stayed at home.

"We just did stupid, fun stuff," Schoonveld said.

"And we still have fun," she added. "Even at 18 and 14, we will still go do stuff together." Schoonveld never doubted her decision to stay home. And despite being teen-agers, her children still need her "just as much, if not more" than they did when they were toddlers, she said.

"You have to be around them, but they really don't want you in their face," Schoonveld said. "What they want is for you to be available when they decide they want and need you. That opportunity presents itself a lot more, when you're just plain available."

Erin Andersen can be reached at 473-7217 or eandersen@journalstar.com.

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