By Betsy Hart
Scripps
Howard News Service I was
one of several parents standing along the side of
the soccer field proudly watching our little 4-
and 5-year-olds do drills on the first day of
practice, when several of the older boys waiting
in line to kick the soccer ball started
vigorously kicking at a dry mound of dirt
instead.
As dust swirled up into the
group of children waiting patiently to drill, the
coach told the boys to stop. They did — for
a moment, before they started shoveling dirt into
the air again while not one of their watching
parents reiterated the coach's order. Finally,
the coach gave the command a second time. But it
did not have an effect as the boys made a third
attempt to turn the soccer field into a
mini-dustbowl, and the parents ignored the boys'
misbehavior.
Well, I noticed. Though my
child was not involved I walked out onto the
field, knelt down so I had direct eye contact
with these children, and informed them clearly
and authoritatively that they would stop the
demolition of the dirt mound RIGHT NOW. Did they
understand? Instantly three heads bobbed up and
down. End of problem.
But what I really wanted to
do was to walk up to the watching moms and dads
and say "start acting like parents RIGHT NOW
— do you understand?"
Sadly I find myself wanting
to say that a lot. In grocery stores, at the
mall, in restaurants, wherever I see minor
children young and old speaking so rudely to
their parents, sometimes even outright yelling at
them, making demands, informing their mom or dad
of what they will and will not do, as their
parents try to cajole, or bribe or beg them
otherwise.
A likeminded friend told me
of witnessing an 8- or 9-year-old girl on the
playground screaming at her mother that she would
not leave the park, as the mother stood there
helplessly, pleading with her to do so.
Another mom recounted to me
how she watched a very young child immobilize her
parents and grandparents by refusing to enter the
family car. Instead of picking up the little
child and putting her in the backseat, the
adults' response was only to haplessly beg her to
please, please choose to get into the car on her
own.
Many times in my own home
I've had to lovingly explain to my kids' friends
the Hart House Code as it pertains to relations
with adults. These little playmates come from
committed, caring families, but often I've had to
gently lift a child's chin, look into his eyes
and explain our rules because they were so
different from those in his own home: to begin
with, that here children are to speak
respectfully when addressing an adult and respond
respectfully when spoken to —
"answering" an adult by just ignoring
him or walking away is not an option; they are
cheerfully to do as they are told by the adults,
and they are to obey the do's and don'ts of the
house.
So I'm really not surprised
that my home is a favorite destination point for
many of my children's friends. I think the kids
feel secure and happy here. Perhaps most of all
they know they don't have the power to run the
place — a power which so many kids now seem
to have in their own homes and which rightly
terrifies them.
For it appears today's idea
about parents is that we're not supposed to be in
a unique position of — gasp! —
authority in our children's lives. We are there
at most to facilitate the child's own
self-discovery. If we are really lucky, such
enlightened thinking goes, we might
"learn" from them. Our pop-culture
often paints parents as at best loving buffoons
— if not outright bumbling impediments to
their children's "growth." In any event
the message is clear: Any presumption of a moral
prerogative on the part of parents is somehow,
well, immoral.
I'm not sure how we got
here. I think it says a lot about distorted
values and a culture that's lost its sense of
purpose. But I do know that record levels of
young children, even children as young as 2 and
3, are being medicated for depression and other
behavioral problems. And I know a lot of
miserable parents of young kids, too. Now maybe
these things and the epidemic of teen problems we
are currently witnessing, all amid what appears
to be widespread parental abdication, is nothing
more than an amazing coincidence.
But why are so many parents
willing to take that chance?
Betsy
Hart, a frequent commentator on CNN and the Fox
News Channel, can be reached by e-mail at: hart@aol.com
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