In
today's consumer culture and
throw-away society, how does
''til death do us part'
marriage fit in?
By Stephanie
Kendrick
Assistant Features Editor
Star-Bulletin
COMMERCIAL slogans tell us to "just
do it," "obey your thirst,"
and acquire the "new, new thing."
Does the same old spouse stand a chance
against this programmed desire for change and
stimulation?
"Everything is disposable in society
nowadays, from razor blades to
marriages," said Honolulu divorce
attorney Brad Coates, author "Divorce
with Decency."
Changing partners as needs change is
becoming the accepted norm, he added.
"Serial marriages, or marrying different
people at different stages in your life, will
be the new vogue."
Accepted norm or not, research suggests
the trend is not only hard on families, but
on the individuals involved and the
community.
Marriage particularly seems to make a big
difference in the lives of men, according to
Alan Hawkins, director Family Studies Center
at Brigham Young University. Husbands are
more involved in religious and community
organizations than single men, he said.
But Val Kanuha, a professor of social work
at the University of Hawaii, wasn't sure
those results reflect marital status. "I
think that tie to community is more a result
of having kids," she said. Noting single
parents and gay and lesbian parents are more
likely to be involved in the community than
single people who do not have children.
However, studies suggest marriage has
other benefits. "You add healthy years
to your life," said William H. Doherty,
director of the Marriage and Family Therapy
Program at the University of Minnesota.
"Research indicates marriage benefits
women as well as men," said Doherty.
"There's a ton of research that people
who are married, who stay married long term,
live longer and have better health," he
said.
David Chandler, a University of Hawaii
sociology professor who also works in divorce
mediation, argued changing partners may not
alter those benefits. "People are
married throughout their lives even though
they aren't necessarily married to the same
person," he said.
"The consumer culture teaches that we
should be satisfying our personal needs and
only be committed to a product or service as
long as it is meeting our needs," said
Doherty, who recently authored a paper
entitled "Marriage Permanence in a
Consumer Culture."
"We tend to view marriage as a
lifestyle that needs to be working for us.
It's kind of like you can have a house that
once met your needs, you can have a marriage
that once met your needs," he said.
Chandler agreed, saying marriage as an
institution no longer has a firm role in
society. The sense of obligation among
married people has diminished.
In more than two decades as a marriage
counselor, Doherty has seen the reasons
people quit a marriage change. "There
used to be very heavy reasons of abuse and
alcoholism, deep misery, often many years of
struggling with the misery," he said.
And while most people are still miserable
at the end of a marriage, the reasons for
that misery are now more likely to be things
like poor communication, lack of intimacy or
changes in personality, said Doherty. At the
same time, couples are being told by the
consumer culture, and sometimes by their
family and friends, that they deserve more.
He hears from divorce lawyers that people
seem to get caught on a treadmill headed for
divorce and don't even know why. "They
have a fight, someone mentions the word and
before they know it they are sort of being
propelled toward divorce," he said.
Coates agreed. "Nobody stops you from
doing it now. As soon as you want to say
enough's enough, that's it," he said.
And communication and money issues, not
abuse or infidelity, dominate the reasons
given for divorce by his clients.
Coates sees some hope for lower divorce
rates in the trend toward marrying later.
"Maybe you're less likely to get a
divorce if you're closer to being a
grownup," he said.
But Doherty doesn't believe maturity alone
is the answer. Training and community support
are needed to keep couples together, he said.
"We have created a pressure cooker
relationship in modern marriage now where so
much depends on it," he said. The
breakdown of extended families has meant many
husbands and wives have no one to go to but
their spouse when they need to let off steam
or work through a problem.
It's not socially acceptable to ask a
friend, "So, how's the marriage?"
the way it is to ask "So, how are the
kids?," he said. "We've normalized
the challenges in raising children, the
challenges in maintaining a lifelong marriage
are private," he said.
And the changing nature of marriage does
present challenges. "We have the first
society in history based on a marriage of
equality between men and women," said
Doherty. People need skills to deal with
that, he said
Doherty is a proponent of the "modern
covenant marriage." Philosophically, it
holds that preparation, community support,
crisis counseling and delayed divorce (except
in cases of abuse) are important to fostering
healthy modern marriages. Two states,
Louisiana and Arizona, have adopted covenant
marriage as a legal option.
Kanuha would like to see an education
process take place as well, but she would
emphasize the need to think about our broader
roles and responsibilities in community and
family life.
"I think everybody needs to become a
feminist," she said. "I'm not sure
the primacy of the marriage institution was
that good for us."
Marriages would be healthier if they were
not the primary focus of the people involved.
"Just having a marriage is not
enough," she said.
© 2000
Honolulu Star-Bulletin
