By Ruth Mason

(March 8) Many parents read parenting books, magazines, and newspaper columns in search of solutions to child-rearing problems. Some even write asking for help.

There is lots of good information and advice out there, but sometimes people can't make use of it.

Have modern parents become hooked on advice? Does seeking advice get in the way of listening to our own intuition?

Sarah Engelhard, an adult educator and workshop leader, says: "In an emergency, we apply a band-aid. But if we see that we are repeatedly cutting ourselves, we want to question what anger in us causes us to harm ourselves."

When a parent writes to a parenting column, a band-aid solution may be necessary to stop the superficial bleeding. But in order to really heal the wound it is the parent's own attitude that must be addressed.

A mother asks how to deal with a six-year-old who uses a pacifier. She is advised to have a certain attitude toward the situation.

But unless that attitude comes from a deep, inner conviction - which is what a child picks up on - mother and child will remain on the same artificial communication level. And while, ultimately, the pacifier sucking will stop, other insecurity related behavior is sure to crop up.

In other words, in order to change the behavior of a child a parent must change his or her own behavior on a deep, inner level.

Another example: The parent asking for guidance to change her two-year-old's F-word vocabulary (Parenting, January 19) needs to change her own manner of speaking.

WHILE IT is wise not to make a big deal when a child asks for attention by using the words she knows attract it, the most dynamic technique to alter such a situation can spring from the parent's own awareness of how she herself gets attention.

Then how to deal with her child will spring from an inner guidance that is worth more than stance techniques that don't reach down to the root of the problem.

This mother may follow advice to turn her back on her daughter's unacceptable language; but what is fundamentally communicated to the child is mom's unspoken attitude.

If the mother can really come to terms with her own self, her inner guide might suggest that she and her daughter both say the F word 10 times, laugh over it, and be done with it forever.

Someone I know treated her sensitive daughter the way she saw her elder sister treat her own three rambunctious boys. While the rigid system used by one mother was wise for her children, it was a disaster for the other child.

One mother acted on her inner guidance and reached her sons, while the other acted on another's conviction - and lost connection with her daughter.

The unquestionably important idea of saying no to a child and meaning it must come from a secure position within a parent who is guided by her inner expert not to fear the consequences of her strict stance. The way in which a parent will enforce that boundary for the child's welfare will then naturally flow from within her own self.

If it is imposed from the outside, it will not work.

For my own children, for example, saying no most of the time meant holding them close and lovingly saying that such and such was not acceptable to me.

Reaching out for solutions is the beginning of the call to search within. But some of us get stuck at the point of reaching out.

If we want to affect another's behavior, we must first work to change our own. Our challenge is to heal the wounds within ourselves that cause those around us to act in a way we find problematic.

When we reach to hear the expert from within guide us in a problem or dilemma, we find ourselves grappling with the challenge we are meant to deal with - the very challenge that will heal what we need to heal.

ONE MOTHER vowed, each and every morning, not to yell at her son. But she invariably yelled at him anyway.

Her goal was too shallow. Had she decided to search out what was wrong with her loveless marriage, she would have known why her son carried the brunt of her displeasure. Her inner guide would quite naturally have made her embrace her son instead of bullying him.

We have our own answers inside ourselves, especially when it comes to our own children.

So how do we get inside? How do we activate our inner expert?

First, we have to want to.

The goal has to be not merely to patch things up, but to shake them from their roots. That's where our inner expert's voice resides.

Our inner voice yearns to make itself known. So when we have made the decision that we are ready to welcome it, we will feel subtle proddings.

Our eyes will fall upon advertisements that announce lectures on self-development. Just the right kind of book will be lent to us. We may recall that a neighbor mentioned a meditation class, which at the time seemed anathema.

One thing is sure: The honest seeker will be guided.

THERE HAVE been several recent Parenting columns describing the successes of individual parents facing particular child-rearing issues. We believe parents can learn as much from fellow parents as they can from experts.

If you have a child-rearing success you'd like to share with others, please describe it in as much detail as possible, including ages of the children, and send it to The Parenting Column, The Jerusalem Post, P.O. Box 81, Jerusalem 91000, or e-mail ruthmason@compuserve.com.

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