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| Paving the way for a better teen relationship. | |
| Researcher Martha
Rueter's study, ``Reciprocal Influences Between
Parenting and Adolescent Problem-Solving
Behavior,'' was conducted while she was at Iowa
State University and sampled 375 white
middle-class and lower-middle-class rural
families, each with two biological parents and an
early- to middle-adolescent child. A new study indicates that parents who communicate clearly and consistently with their teens are paving the way for a better relationship. Scott Takushi/Pioneer Press ERICK WRIGHT Researcher Martha Rueter found that parents who state their expectations clearly and assertively, as well as reward good behavior, will improve their children's social and family relationships. Using these techniques, Rueter found, troubled teens develop better attitudes, while teens and parents who already have a good relationship grow even closer, among other benefits. Isabel Chanslor, a St. Paul mother of five, recently began counseling with and for her 12-year-old son, Spencer. She describes Spencer as a good kid who is having a hard time with school and relationships. Working in childhood education, she recognizes that behavior development starts early. She hopes to address her son's issues in the early stages of adolescence, a key time for teen-agers, according to Rueter's research. ``I really believe that it starts early,'' Chanslor said. ``The way I was brought up, I thought that parents fought, children got spanked and everything sucked.'' But Rueter's study suggests that parents who explain and reason with their teens help them understand the importance of a situation, which should make them more cooperative. The study also shows that influence isn't a one-way street. Adolescents can influence parents' behavior, too. Rueter found this to be most evident when the communication between parents and teens broke down or became negative. For instance, acting in a hostile or angry manner toward a child and being inconsistent with discipline, rules and standards can hinder a teen's ability to cope. Teens who have ongoing communication problems with their parents tend to have underdeveloped problem-solving and interpersonal skills, as well as a more difficult time in school, the study found. But following these recommendations isn't always easy, as Chanslor found. While she said she is consistent on such things as rules, she often is less so with punishment. ``If I do end up taking a privilege away, I forget the next day,'' she said. ``I don't want to be the heavy.'' David Huebsch, program manager for the family intervention program at the St. Paul Youth Service Bureau, says inconsistent parental authority is the most common factor he sees in problem teens. ``(Then) when there is follow through, there is a sense of betrayal that's harsh or erodes the self-esteem of the young person,'' Huebsch said of these types of kids. In addition to setting reliable expectations and consequences, the experts say parents can build better relationships with their teen by knowing what he or she does throughout the day. The effects that parents and teens have on one another, whether positive or negative, build over time, Reuter found. Negative parenting creates resistance and increases problematic behavior in teen-agers. This, in turn, negatively affects parental behavior, which again affects the child. Conversely, Rueter found that positive parenting techniques tend to promote a relationship that grows stronger over time. The research showed that parents -- not the child -- must take the first step. That's because positive child behavior has no effect on a negative parent and was the only kind of behavior Rueter found to be ineffective. This suggests that parents who feel they could improve -- if only their children would behave or be more supportive of them -- are placing undue stress and responsibility on their child. Instead, parents should focus on their own behavior, and they should get family counseling if necessary. ``It's not a good idea to try to teach those kids good problem-solving skills unless you apply that to the parent, too,'' Rueter said. ``Otherwise, what happens is you place the child back in the home, and in a short time, he develops the same problems because nothing was done to change the parents' ways.'' The important thing is that parents and teens work together to communicate better. ``Many people think adolescence is a time when relationships get worse, and that really isn't the case,'' Rueter said. ``What happens is, when children enter into early adolescence in a pretty bad state, things get worse and worse because there is so much negativity going on.'' Another reason adolescents may act out is because they're beginning to assert their independence. ``Adolescence is characterized by low-level to moderate degrees of push and shove,'' Rueter said. ``It is a matter of renegotiating rules, from the kid being told what to do, to having some say.'' Along with that drive for independence comes added responsibility. Huebsch agrees that parents should provide a supportive environment for raising children. But he doesn't feel that responsibility is solely that of the parent. ``A lot of parents come to us, and they've been blamed or . . . made to feel that it's their fault,'' Huebsch said. ``There's a lot of influences in a young person's life, and ultimately the child has to take responsibility for his or her decisions.'' |
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