Steven Lazarus and Mike Splitt are upset. They want to have children to raise, and they can't. They want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet running around the house. They want to have somebody to give a puppy to for Christmas. They want to have an excuse to go to Disneyland and stay in the Disneyland Hotel without people shooting them strange looks.
      They want to be able to say "How many times have I told you not to do that?" They want to go to school plays. They want to rent clarinets and flutes. They want to bring doughnuts and juice to soccer games. They want to be parents. They want to be mom and dad.
      But they can't be.
      Because they're both dads.

      Despite all the fuss and commotion about the unfairness of it all, despite what the ACLU says, despite Steve and Mike's recent lawsuit, despite the Page 1 headlines, nature won't budge on this one.
      Steve and Mike can bring in the best lawyers in the world, they can get Barry Scheck to do the DNA and Johnnie Cochran to close, they can get Greta Van Susteren to plead their case on CNN, and still, no backing off by nature, no backing down.
      Pleading their case until they're blue in the face does no good. They can talk about what great parents they'd make, about their stable home life, about their fenced-in yard, and it's as if nature doesn't even hear.
      Nope. Nothing doing. Rules are rules. Want kids? Do what your dad did, and his dad, and his dad. Get a wife.

      Getting nowhere with nature, Steve and Mike are going after the government, which has traditionally sided with nature when it comes to parenting and, hence, does not allow adoptions of children by untraditional couples such as two dads.
      Over the centuries, this has made so much sense it needed no explanation.
      Two dads and no mom?
      Nobody does that in the animal kingdom. Not even rabbits.
      Start having families with kids and two dads, and you're asking for trouble.
      Or didn't you see "Big Daddy?"
      Sure, there will be plenty of parents to change the oil, explain the infield fly rule and call Domino's for dinner.
      Plenty of expert instruction about how to use the remote, how to edge a lawn, how to figure gas mileage and throw a spiral.
      Role models all over the place as to the intricacies of sarcasm and the proper way to rush a fraternity.
      But who's going to know how to intuitively check for a fever? Who's going to know what the kid's doing even behind closed doors and walls?
      Who's going to comb the kid's hair and have a prayer at getting the part straight? Who's going to give the kid a dress to grab onto when he/she doesn't want to go to the first day of school or get on the bus for scout camp?
      Steve? Mike?
      Man.
      Two dads doing the parenting all by themselves has disaster written all over it.
      They'll take family vacations and nobody will ever ask for directions.
      They'll have a fridge full of mayonnaise, Coca-Cola, 7-week-old lettuce and questionable milk.
      Family rule: "Always let somebody else taste the milk first."

      Sure, Steve and Mike want kids. Who can blame them for that? With the exception of Cruella DeVille, most of the world wants kids. They're fun, they're lively, they give life purpose and direction. They keep you broke, but it's a happy broke.
      Steve and Mike want kids so badly they're willing to sue the state.
      They want kids so badly they're willing to buck nature.
      They want kids so badly they're willing to deny those kids one key inalienable right.
      A mom.

Lee Benson's column runs Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Send e-mail to benson@desnews.com, fax 801-237-2527.

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