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| The
High Price Children Pay for Divorce |
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BY
NORMA WAGNER
THE SALT LAKE TRIBUNE
Even in cases where
they saw their parents fight constantly,
young children of divorce never saw their
world unraveling. The disappearance of a
parent -- usually their father -- would
come as a shock and surprise.
The divorce would
affect them for the rest of their lives
-- largely because their parents didn't
talk about the separation beforehand,
didn't acknowledge their children's
feelings, and didn't adjust their own
lives to accommodate their offspring as
they grew older.
These discouraging
results come from a 25-year study that
tracked children of divorces from their
preschool years into adulthood.
"There is a
serious gap between the perspectives of
the legal system and mental-health
professionals and the child, who is
invisible and voiceless in the
proceedings," said Judith S.
Wallerstein, a psychologist and principal
investigator of the study, "The
Long-Term Impact of Divorce on
Children."
"The children who
were mute have returned (as adults) to
give their verdict. There is little
evidence we are serving and protecting
their interests."
Wallerstein --
researcher, educator and counselor at the
Judith Wallerstein Center for Family in
Transition in Marin County, Calif. --
spoke last week at the University of Utah
about the results of the study, in which
she and fellow researchers followed 131
children and their parents from the early
1970s.
The research found
that most marriages that end in divorce
start to break apart at the four-year
mark, and 90 percent end within eight
years.
Wallerstein focused on
the youngest group of children that were
followed since the initiation of their
parents' separations in 1971-- those who
were between 2 and 6 years old at the
time and are now 27 to 32.
When she first met the
children, they felt terrified and
abandoned, Wallerstein said.
"They concluded .
. . that if their parents could leave
each other, they could leave them. The
world had become a dangerous place,"
she said. As the post-divorce family took
shape, those fears became realized: Daddy
was gone, Mom started working more, and
suddenly the child was in the care of
strangers.
Most of the children
recalled how they couldn't express their
emotions and that they felt lonely,
lacked nurturance and "had a sense
there was no one to care for them. And
when you're 4, that's scary," said
Wallerstein, whose most recent book
Searching for Love: The Unexpected Legacy
of Divorce comes out next year. "Few
today remember the intact family."
Many said neither
parent explained what was happening.
"There was no transition for them.
Most children had no idea at the head of
the break-up that their parents were
headed for separation."
As childhood passed
into adulthood, those in the study were
reported to have a far greater need for
emotional nurturance and felt less
comfortable with themselves, especially
in relationships, than the group of
children Wallerstein and her fellow
researchers followed who grew up in
"intact" families in the same
neighborhoods.
"Entry into
adulthood began painfully for them with
the feeling they were poorly prepared for
life relationships," Wallerstein
said. And even though many of the
families were middle class and could
afford college, the majority of fathers
stopped financially supporting their
children when they reached age 18 and
didn't help with college expenses. As a
result, most of the children earned
lesser degrees, spent more years in
college while working to support
themselves, and got careers in lower
paying jobs than their parents. The few
who did get financial support for higher
education earned good jobs, and they said
they were happy and self-confident in
their careers, Wallerstein said.
"Most said they
were keenly aware of the injustice of the
law. . . . They said, 'I paid the price
for my parents' divorce,' " she
continued. "So there's a sense of
continuity in most intact families that's
disrupted here."
The good news is
intervention can work -- either by
getting children counseling or educating
parents to help their children through
the transition. Many times when a divorce
goes through court and gets finalized,
"the person we shut out is the one
whose life is going to be most
affected," Wallerstein said.
In Utah, parents are
often referred by judges and mediators
for parental education through the
Administrative Office of the Courts, said
Kristine Prince-McStotts,
education-program coordinator. Several
thousand separated and divorcing parents
go through the two-to-four-hour course
each year, and Prince-McStotts estimates
Utah's divorce rate is about the national
average -- occurring in 50 percent of
married couples. The office contracts
with private "parent educators"
to provide the service.
Children often feel
powerless because the court and their
parents have determined when and how much
time they will spend with each parent
through a rigid schedule, which sometimes
leads to resentment as they grow older
because their friends from intact
families can negotiate to do what they
want and when.
"So our goal is
to sensitize parents to the needs of
their children, that time-sharing should
change as their needs change," said
Elizabeth Hickey, a social worker who
educates divorcing parents. "We tell
them they shouldn't fight in front of
their children; that they should focus on
listening to their child; to participate
in their world, and to give them
suggestions and not dictate, but to be
flexible."
Wallerstein said other
state courts mandate such educational
courses for divorcing parents, but that
an equally important component is to
force parents to plan their childrens'
future, from what values they want them
to have to who will pay for their
education.
" The emphasis of
court mediation is on the present, but
the needs of the child are
long-term," she said. "That
child will be in that divorce for a long
time." |
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