By Wade F. Horn
Just a few years ago, the notion that fathers
mattered to the well-being of children was
considered controversial. Today, most Americans
agree that children do better, on average, when
they grow up with the active involvement of both
their mom and their dad.
But what is still considered controversial is
the idea that marriage - the dreaded
"m" word - matters, as well. This isn't
surprising for several reasons.
First, marriage is a deeply personal issue. In
any given audience, one can safely assume that at
least 40% of the adults are divorced. Many others
will either have parents who are divorced, a
spouse who is from a divorced family or children
who are divorced.
When adults who have been touched by divorce
hear me suggest that marriage is the
"best" or "ideal" situation
for raising children, they often interpret this
as a personal rebuke. Nobody likes to be told
that his or her situation is somehow second best.
Second, some have bought into the notion of
family relativism, the idea that all family
structures are inherently equal, with no
consequences for children (or adults) except,
perhaps, for the greater propensity of
single-parent families to be poor. Indeed, this
argument goes, if we solve the economic
disadvantage of single-parent households, there
will be no ill effects of growing up in a home
without married parents.
Third, some simply don't like marriage. They
either see marriage promotion as a rationale for
withdrawing support from single mothers or as
means to re-assert male patriarchy and dominance
over women. To such folks, marriage promotion is
not just foolish, but downright dangerous.
The empirical literature is quite clear,
however, that children, indeed, do best when they
grow up in an intact, two-parent, married
household. Even after controlling for differences
in income, children who live with their married
parents are less likely to fail at school, suffer
an emotional or behavioral problem requiring
psychiatric treatment and experience child abuse.
As adolescents, they are less likely to get
into trouble with the law, use illicit drugs,
smoke cigarettes, abuse alcohol or engage in
early and promiscuous sexual activity. One is
hard pressed to find a single indicator of child
well-being that is not adversely impacted by
divorce or being born out of wedlock.
The empirical evidence also is quite clear
that married adults - women as well as men - are
happier, healthier and wealthier than their
single counterparts. And communities with high
concentrations of married households are safer
than those with substantially fewer married
households.
Of course, some married households, especially
where domestic violence and child abuse are
present, are horrible places for both children
and adults. But contrary to the stereotypes
perpetuated by the media and some advocacy
groups, the reality is that domestic violence and
child abuse are substantially less likely to
occur in intact households than in any other
family arrangement.
The truth is the most dangerous place for
women and children is a household where mom is
cohabiting with a man outside of marriage who
isn't biologically related to the children.
Given that marriage is so important to the
well-being of children, adults and communities,
how do we overcome our reluctance to talk about
it? By putting children back at the center of
things.
Adults have been spending far too much time
arguing among themselves about the virtues of
marriage and far too little time helping our
children understand why marriage is important and
how to form and sustain healthy marriages. Yet,
national surveys consistently show that our
young, far from rejecting marriage as an ideal,
desperately want to avoid the serial marriages
and high divorce rates of their elders. It is
time for us to give our children what they want.
Children and young adults in the middle class
are not the only ones seeking stable marriages.
New data from the Fragile Families Initiative,
funded by the Ford Foundation and conducted by
noted researchers Sara McLanahan and Irving
Garfinkel, suggests that at the time of the
child's birth, two-thirds of low-income, unwed
couples want - and expect - to get married.
The problem is that many, if not most, of
these low-income couples do not go on to get
married. But that may be as much our fault as
theirs, for our reluctance even to bring up the
topic of marriage sends the not-so-subtle message
that marriage is neither expected nor valued.
The wonder is not that so few go on to get
married, but that some actually do.
The point is this: Marriage is good for
children, for adults and for communities.
Although not all marriages are perfect and some
are downright disastrous, marriage, on average,
is the most stable and healthy environment within
which to bear and raise children.
Perhaps we can break through our cultural
reluctance to embrace marriage as the ideal by
focusing our efforts on helping children and
youths develop the skills necessary to form and
sustain healthy, stable marriages. I'm confident
that is something all parents, including divorced
and unwed parents, want for their own children.
Wade F. Horn is president of the National
Fatherhood Initiative, a clinical child
psychologist and co-author of several books on
parenting.
© Copyright 1999, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.
All rights reserved.
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