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| It's never too early to begin teaching children the giving side of Christmas | |
''Last year he marked at least 100 items,'' says the Fox Island, Wash., mother. ''I've tried explaining that he should just circle the things he really wants, but he says, `But Mom, I want everything!''' Sound familiar? It's that time of year when advertisers shift into high gear, enticing children into demanding the hottest toys, tricks, gadgets, and gear. And anyone who has ever cruised the mall with kids in tow knows how difficult it is to deal with their nonstop pleading, whining, and begging. When they cry for a puppy from the pet shop, you may even feel like you came out ahead forking over $15 for a stuffed animal. One way to curb children's voracious appetite for the things that money can buy is to get them actively involved in helping others. This teaches kids that there's more to the holidays than collecting high-tech toys and trendy clothes. Performing good deeds also bolsters children's self-esteem - a parent's first line of defense against ''the gimmes.'' ''Youngsters get a lot of positive feedback and a real sense of accomplishment from acts of altruism,'' says Alan Davidson, a psychologist in San Diego, and author of ''How Good Parents Raise Great Kids: The Six Essential Habits of Highly Successful Parents'' (Warner Books). ''Kids who feel good about themselves have less need for external fixes.'' But telling children to ''think of others'' doesn't have much impact unless you put the concept into action at home. ''Kids need to see their parents giving of themselves, getting involved in their community,'' explains Davidson. A few ideas: Organize a canned-food drive in your neighborhood, and put the children in charge of sorting the contributions. Get the kids to help mix and decorate a batch of cookies for an elderly relative. Help them round up and donate their old toys to a day-care center for low-income families. Ask your children to think of special projects they could do locally, and then get everyone to pitch in to help. Every year Carey and her family, from Queens, N.Y., organize a group of families to visit a local nursing home on Christmas Day. ''We sing Christmas carols, talk to the residents, hold their hands, or stroke their cheeks,'' says Carey. ''This is a chance for us to enjoy the spirit of Christmas in the best of ways, by giving of ourselves.'' Jeremy, her 11-year-old, and the other kids take pride in making certain that every resident has received a card and present. ''They love it and see that the holiday is not just about getting gifts; it's about giving and taking care of people,'' Carey says. It's a good idea to start instilling the joy of giving early on. ''Even children as young as 3 can learn that it feels good to make other people feel good,'' says Charles L. Thompson a professor of counseling psychology at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville. ''Getting children involved in gift-giving, both thinking about an appropriate present as well as shopping for one, helps shift them away from gimme, gimme, gimme.'' But don't expect kids to jump for joy the first time they help you buy their grandmother a gift. ''Pleasing others is an acquired taste,'' he says. You may be able to drum up some enthusiasm by making gift-giving into a fun project. Last year Marlena's 7-year-old scout troop decorated unused paint cans, filled them with small toys donated by local toy stores and pasted their pictures on the inside of the lids. The presents were delivered to a shelter for homeless children. ''Even though Derek said he wished he could have kept some of the toys, he still felt good giving them away to kids who didn't have as much as he did,'' says the Hawthorne, Calif., mother of four. Encouraging kids to give gifts that are inexpensive or homemade also communicates the idea that presents don't have to cost a lot to be meaningful. Gwen of Redwood City, Calif., helps her three children make soap, lollipops, rolled candies, picture frames, even garden stepping stones from plaster of Paris for holiday gifts. ''Last Christmas every gift given by the kids was homemade,'' says Gwen. The children also make their own wrapping paper, and they each wrap all the presents in their own special paper. ''That way the kids know which gifts are theirs to give,'' she says. Neale Godfrey, chairman of the Children's Financial Network in Mountain Lakes, N.J., and author of ''A Penny Saved: Teaching Your Children the Values and Life Skills They Will Need to Live in the Real World'' (Simon & Schuster Trade), suggests having kids give chits - homemade coupons that entitle the bearer to a special service from the child, such as breakfast in bed or a tidy house. ''You're teaching them to give of themselves,'' she says. One year Godfrey's children gave her a ''no fighting'' chit for Hanukkah. ''When my kids started to tussle, I used my chit and they had to stop. It was great!'' Often, curbing gotta-have-it-now attitudes is a matter of teaching children the basics about earning, spending and saving money. ''Kids don't look at the price of what they want or how much you have to work to get it,'' explains Godfrey. ''They just know that they want it.'' Giving children a regular allowance or chores they can do to earn extra money gives them the opportunity to make some of their own decisions. Then when they ask you for that new video or backpack, you don't have to say no, you can say yes - if they're willing to buy it themselves or earn the money to cover the price tag. Kids also tend to be more discerning about their purchases when the funds are coming out of their pocket and not yours. Pamela set up an allowance plan because her 12-year-old daughter always seemed to have her heart set on something. The Milford, Conn., mom gives Elyse $8 per week in exchange for dusting, vacuuming, and folding clothes. Elyse has to put $2 into her savings account; the rest she can use to buy toys, candy, or other items. ''Now, when Elyse asks for something, I ask, `Do you have enough money?''' Pamela says. ''She saw a marionette she wanted, so she saved for five weeks. She gave up snacks at school and treats from the ice cream man to get that puppet.'' In the process children are also learning basic life lessons. Getting used to the idea of saving for what they want teaches them that many good things in life take time and effort. Pamela S. Kramer writes frequently about parenting, psychology, and women's issues for a number of national magazines. She lives and works in Littleton, Colo. (c) 1999, Pamela S. Kramer. Distributed by The Los Angeles Times Syndicate. This story ran on page 10 of
the Boston Globe's City Weekly on 11/21/99. |
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enise knows Christmas is coming when her
son plunks himself down at the kitchen table and
begins the task of deciding what he wants.
Darren, 10, pores over newspaper ads, magazines,
and catalogs, felt-tip pen in hand, circling
video games, board games, building sets, action
figures, remote control cars, race track sets -
and on and on.
