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| When to repeat a grade | |
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April 15, 1999 I got a call from an agitated mom whose son has been asked to repeat kindergarten. "I know in my heart it's the right thing to do, although it's breaking my heart," she said. "It's like he's a 4 1/2-year-old trapped in a 5 1/2-year-old body. I knew he had problems: Early on, I had taken him to the child study team, and they determined he needs speech therapy, which he's getting. "It's hard for him to speak and be understood. The teacher might correct him when he was saying things right because she couldn't understand him. His fine motor skills are also not the greatest." This mom wanted to know how she should tell him he's going to repeat kindergarten, what she should say to his older brothers so that they don't tease him about it, and whether he should go back to the same teacher in September. I called Amy Marotta, who taught school in Paramus for 26 years, most of that time in kindergarten. "In that time, I had perhaps eight children I advised be left back," she said. These were generally boys, and generally late-summer babies, kids born in August or September. "I told the parents, 'It's not that your child isn't up to the academic challenge, it's that he wants to play,'" she said. These were the children who -- in her judgment -- would not be able to focus for hours at a time on academics. These were the kids who just couldn't get it all together, and their mother was always in the principal's office, dropping off the lunch the child had forgotten or begging the janitor to unlock the classroom after school so that Billy could get the spelling book he needed for his homework. "I would remind the parents that many of the child's classmates were as much as a year older than their child," Marotta said. "I would say, 'When you were giving birth, little Johnny over there was standing in his crib and asking for water.'" Sometimes, Marotta said, the fathers would be offended by the notion that their sons couldn't make the grade -- the first grade, that is. She would advise parents to sit and observe a first-grade class and honestly assess whether their child could sit in his seat that long and focus on the lessons. I mentioned this to the mom whose son is repeating kindergarten and she said, "My husband sees this as my failure," although she added that he has begun to come to terms with it. It is, after all, just a case of a child who is a late bloomer. No one is saying their son won't bloom. So how do you tell the child? "I would offer to help the parents tell the child," said Marotta of her teaching days. "I would just say, 'The grown-ups made a mistake and put you in kindergarten too early.'" The child often was relieved, Marotta said. He knew something wasn't quite right. When I told this to the kindergartner's mom, she told me about receiving a note that all the kindergartners' parents got about something completely unrelated: jealousies on the playground at school. After reading the note, the mom asked her son if he were having problems at school. She meant problems with playground jealousies. And he replied, "Mommy, I can't speak very well. And I can't write." "You see?" I said to her. "He knows there's a problem." And what about keeping his older brothers from teasing him? I told her she should be very matter-of-fact about this, that she should either get over her sense of failure or shame, or hide it from the bigger boys. It is no one's fault. Children simply develop on their own timetables. "I don't want to make this into some negative thing," the mom said. "But he'll be 19 when he graduates from high school." "A lot of parents keep their children out of kindergarten a year," I said. "Your son won't stick out." As for whether to repeat with the same teacher, Marotta said in her experience, most parents asked for a new teacher, although one mother specified that she wanted her child to repeat with the same teacher. "Well, I guess I would go with a new teacher," the mom said. "My son is the type of kid who, if he were with the same teacher, I could see him saying, 'We've done this before.'" I heard from another family who struggled with the same issue this spring. Christopher Nash of Ridgewood said his daughter Elizabeth missed a lot of school with migraine headaches and vomiting that would keep her home three or four days at a clip. "She just lost a lot of time," Nash said. "The other thing is that with Elizabeth being born in August, she's one of the youngest kids in her class." On the other hand, Nash said, she is very excited about going into the first grade. "The upshot is they're leaning toward moving her forward this year, holding her back later on if she doesn't catch up," he said. "The nice thing about Ridgewood is they have combined first and second grade. If it's necessary, if she falls behind in first grade, they can put her in the combined grade the following year."
I wanted to update you on the mom I wrote about last week who was given a termination warning for excessive absenteeism when she returned from maternity leave with her fourth child and the baby repeatedly got sick. You'll recall that the woman who was this mom's protector or godmother at work was not around when the warning was handed down. She was on vacation. When she returned, the mom's plight reduced her to tears. She personally interceded on behalf of the mom to corporate headquarters in the Midwest. "Headquarters said I wasn't entitled to family leave, but in the interests of family values and goodwill, I would be granted a 90-day personal leave of absence," the mom told me. Her leave started Monday. This means she'll continue to be covered for family health insurance, and she'll have the time to take her new baby for a series of tests to determine what is making the little one vomit so much. I also heard from a mother of three children ranging in age from 18 months to 6 years who went back to work after her last maternity leave 15 months ago and identified with the stressed-out mother of four. This mother of three gradually noticed last year that she was always in a bad mood, always snapping at loved ones, because she had so much to do. When the family's much-beloved nanny left in October and was replaced by someone who didn't click so well with the family, she and her husband looked at each other and said, "Something's got to give." Her husband works in New York City and is gone from 7 a.m. to 7 or 7:30 p.m., and that's when he's not traveling on business. "All the burden falls on the wife and mother," she said. "You're the shopper and the organizer." She had worked for 11 years at a job she loved and had risen to become an administrator, but, in January, she declined her employer's offer to go part-time ("not cost-effective") and quit. "It's been great," she said. "Of course, it's a different kind of stress being home, but you know, with young kids, they're sick all the time. Even if you have a part-time job and you work only Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, what are you supposed to do when you have to take a child to the doctor on Friday?" We all have hard choices, but a lot of worry can fall away once you've made a choice. It is every Pressured Parent's responsibility to make strategic choices so that life is more enjoyable than painful. Life should not be a forced march.
Last, Mother's Day and Father's Day are coming. Moms and dads, let me know in a couple of paragraphs, what your best Mother's Day or Father's Day gift has been. Please include your phone number. Thanks.
You can reach Mary Amoroso in care of The Record, 150 River St., Hackensack, N.J. 07601, by phone at (201) 646-4388, by fax at (201) 646-4047, or by e-mail at newsroom@bergen.com. Please give your name and number so she can talk to you. She will not use your name in print, if you would prefer that.
Copyright ©1999 Bergen Record Corp. |
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