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What's a parent to do? Tough love is in, but discipline should fit the child, not the trends |
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04/15/99 It's 20 minutes before dinner and you catch your 5-year-old with her hand in the cookie jar. What would you do? A. Sympathize that she must be hungry, remind her there's a no-cookie-before-dinner rule, but tell her this time it's OK. B. Slap her hand, remind her sternly about the no-cookie rule, and tell her to wait for dinner. C. Make eye contact, say nothing, and look away or leave. D. Sympathize that she must be hungry, remind her that dinner is soon, cookies can spoil an appetite so a person won't be hungry to eat the healthy things a body needs, and then brainstorm about a snack that would be OK. If you can find fault with each of these - A seems too indulgent, B too punitive, C too neglectful, and D too wordy - you may be a more savvy parent than you realize. These responses represent the range of traditional approaches to parenting, from disengaged (C) to inconsistent (A). Most of us are able to avoid these extremes because we recognize their dangers: The child of a disengaged parent eventually feels neglected - ''Does Mom even care?'' - and acts out more and more in an effort to find out; the child of an indulgent parent is confused by the inconsistency - ''When is a rule a rule?'' - and feels equally compelled to push the limits to find out. But our reactions to the other two styles, when we're thinking about what kind of parent we want to be, are less clear-cut. What parent doesn't have moments when a slap on the hand and a stern response have great appeal? Or when explanations and logic seem more fair, more comfortable, more respectful ... In parenting lingo, the rigid, punitive style is called ''authoritarian,'' while the parent who reasons and negotiates is considered ''authoritative.'' For more than a decade, parenting professionals have recommended the more empathetic authoritative style. Now, that thinking is changing. Still, rules are rules The consensus today is that children fare best when parents take a balanced approach that tilts toward the authoritative but includes bits of authoritarianism: Finding your child with her hand in the cookie jar, you might still comment that she must be hungry, but you would cut to the rule quickly, eliminate verbiage, and offer a carrot instead. It's not that professionals are backing off from empathetic parenting. But there's a time and place for everything. You could still have a conversation about nutrition, for instance, but do it several hours after the fact or even tomorrow. ''As parents have empathized and listened and tried to be understanding to kids, they've lost the knack or sense of when it is they need to take control,'' says Linda Braun, director of Families First, a nonprofit parenting-education group in Cambridge. In other words, sympathize, provide children with age-appropriate opportunities to express themselves and to make decisions, but don't go so far that you abdicate control or are wildly inconsistent in your limit-setting. Just as previous parenting movements have reflected societal ebbs and flows - ''Puritan parents were harsh with their children; today they'd be arrested for child abuse,'' quips Harvard psychologist Jerome Kagan - this change is a reflection of, and a reaction to, a society that is more and more collaborative but also more and more permissive. ''Children need to grow up to be adaptive, learning about cooperation, teamwork, compromise, and sharing,'' says Kagan. ''They also need to be firmly rooted in their family's values.'' With respect, you're in charge Psychologist and author Carolyn Webster-Stratton dubs this parenting style ''guided democracy: You respect a child's point of view, but you also know when to take control.'' Achieving it is a balancing act. Consider the 4-year-old who hits the baby or the 11-year-old who cheats on a test. An authoritarian response would be punitive, perhaps a spanking accompanied by removal of privileges but certainly no touchy-feely discussion. An authoritative response would revolve around discussion: What were you feeling? Why? A mix of the two makes clear the behavior was unacceptable - ''You can't hit your sister no matter what''; ''Cheating is wrong no matter what'' - but it doesn't stop there. ''You don't debate the premise that pushing or cheating is wrong, but you still engage in a discussion about why it's wrong. That's what develops character and the ability to think for yourself,'' says psychologist William Damon, director of the Center on Adolescence at Stanford University and author of ''Greater Expectations: Overcoming the Culture of Indulgence in Our Homes and Schools'' (Free Press). With very young children, identify their feelings for them, says Braun: ''You were mad when you hit the baby. I wonder if you're feeling sad that I spend so much time with her and less time with you.'' With an older child, you might say, ''I know you know cheating is wrong. I'm wondering what would make you do something you know is wrong.'' It calls for judgment It can be tricky to recognize when you need to offer guidance and when you need to lay down the law. ''Your child needs guidance when it comes to peer relationships or how to dress to fit in,'' Damon says. ''This is his arena, and his judgment needs to count; your ideas may be mistaken or unfair. But if he says he only wants french fries for dinner, that calls for exercising parental control.'' Even if your child begins, ''Mom, you're off the wall,'' it's not necessarily disrespectful, as long as it's the prelude to a dialogue. Open communication is critical, he says. Family therapist John Rosemond probably would not agree. A national lecturer and author of eight books including ''A Family of Value'' (Andrews McMeel), Rosemond is the de facto head of a popular authoritarian movement. He advocates a return to old-fashioned parenting where ''do it because I said so'' replaces discussions about feelings, and discipline, including spanking, is swift and unquestionable. Rosemond's publicist said he was not available for an interview. Braun speculates that Rosemond's popularity is a reaction to working mothers and two-worker parent families who overdo negotiation as a way to salve their guilt for time away. But swinging the pendulum to the right is no better, she says. ''You might get immediate compliance [with an authoritarian parenting style], but it's compliance born of fear, which breeds resentment toward authority. Kids who don't get heard feel a lot of rage,'' says Braun, who is also on the faculty of Wheelock College. ''They feel like nobody's listening,'' says Webster-Stratton, director of the Parenting Clinic at the University of Washington in Seattle and author of ''The Incredible Years: A Trouble-Shooting Guide for Parents'' (Umbrella Press). When they are little, these kids act out. When they are teens, they rebel. At all ages, their relationship with the parent tends to be troubled and superficial because they feel unfairly punished and restricted. Webster-Stratton helps parents achieve guided democracy by comparing parenting to a bank account: Beginning at birth, you give love, respect, and limits according to a child's stage of development. That becomes a deposit in the account that accrues interest, in the form of the trust that develops between you. ''With that foundation,'' she says, ''discipline will never feel arbitrary, because you have the trust to draw upon. Even when a child is angry with you, he knows at some level that you understand him.'' This style also fosters character development, which Damon says depends on good habits and the ability to be reflective. Authoritarian parenting, in contrast, tends to be inconsistent about the former - ''A parent may expect a child to be truthful but not see the need to model truthfulness himself'' - and not value the latter at all. Of course, just as no one moment can define a parent's style, no one style fits all children or even all the children in the same family. ''How you parent requires knowing each child, as opposed to following one philosophy,'' says psychiatrist Stanley Greenspan. A very sensitive child, for instance, will become overly compliant and not learn to take initiative if her parents are authoritarian, he says. A very active child with lots of sensory craving, on the other hand, may need a high degree of structure, but that alone isn't enough. ''He also needs creative outlets and constructive stimulation'' that come from a flexible, authoritative style, says Greenspan. A professor at George Washington University, he is author of ''The Challenging Child'' (Addison Wesley). What happens if you go overboard in one direction or the other? ''It's never too late to change,'' says Webster-Stratton. No compensating What she sees most frequently is that one parent perceives the other as having gone too far in one direction. But attempts to compensate typically backfire. ''The parent usually ends up too far in the other direction, either too laissez-faire or too strict,'' she says. That makes life confusing for children and makes it easier for them to play parents off each other. Her advice is to talk about your tendencies, perhaps with professional help, so that both of you are aware of them. Perhaps more important, however, she says, ''Find the balance within yourself rather than try to compensate for the other parent. If it's hard for you to set limits, work on that. If it's hard for you to talk about feelings, get some help.'' No matter what style you decide is appropriate for you and your child, the bottom line is always the same. ''What's most important,'' says Kagan, ''is that a child perceives he is loved.'' AFTERTHOUGHT: Recommended reading for 4- to 8-year-olds when a beloved family member dies: ''What's Heaven?'' by Maria Shriver (Golden Books). Barbara F. Meltz's Child Caring appears every Thursday in At Home. Her first book, ''Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Understanding How Your Children See the World'' (Dell), is now available in bookstores. She welcomes letters and comments and can be reached via e-mail at meltz@globe.com. This story ran on page F01 of the Boston Globe
on 04/15/99. |
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