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Making The Grade Successful families are no accident |
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April 14, 1999 By CAROLYN SANDLIN-SNIFFEN ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The family picture has changed since Leo Tolstoy, the great Russian novelist, made that statement more than 100 years ago. In his day, the average household had six people. Grandparents, parents and children all lived under one roof, sharing the hard work: chopping enough wood to last the winter, milking the cows and farming the land. Today, the average household consists of three members. More families are headed by single parents or by a parent and stepparent, and the number of grandparents raising their grandchildren has increased. We have substituted "dysfunctional" for "unhappy," and dysfunctional families seem to be everywhere: in our newspapers, on TV, in the movies. It's fair to say that the American family is in crisis. Divorce rates, out-of-wedlock births, juvenile crime, and child and spousal abuse contribute to the growing anxiety about the future of our nation. It's easy to forget that a lot of families still manage to be functional and happy. In fact, many parents and kids enjoy living with each other under the same roof. What's their secret? It's not money or favorable circumstances. Happy families can manage during tough times, and they don't always agree on everything. A functional, cooperative family doesn't have to resemble the sitcom model from the 1950s: Mom, tastefully dressed in pearls and high heels, staying home cooking and cleaning; Dad making enough money to afford a big house in the suburbs; and the two cute (and oh so charming) youngsters worrying about getting dates for the school dance. Life is much more complicated now. Women, in most households, must juggle the demands of work and motherhood, and men have had to adapt to the needs of working women by accepting more responsibility for child care. What does make a happy family? Family counselors and therapists have come up with a definition that covers all the possibilities. Members of a functional, happy family are committed to each other's well-being. It means that to be a family member, a person has to care a lot. But a person isn't considered a family member if he or she moves in for a little while, then moves out again. They share many of the same values and goals and help each other reach their goals. This could include a commitment to help get the kids through school or to save money for a vacation or a special purpose. They share responsibilities and chores. Folding laundry, setting the table or walking the dog -- everyone pitches in. Parents who sacrifice and do it all end up being resentful. Everyone needs to feel that the others are doing their fair share. They know how to fight. In families, as in life, conflict is inevitable. Mom is angry because the kids forgot to unload the dishwasher. Dad is irritated because the newspaper is torn apart. The kids are upset about the way allowances are allocated, and Grandma wants a part-time job. Arguing and bickering are normal, but happy families know how to fight without resorting to nasty name-calling or belittling each other's physical features. They talk, negotiate and try to compromise. They give each other some space. Even in small, cramped bedrooms, no one invades another's privacy or property; they show respect and consideration. They make time to be together. Finding time and energy for family activities can be difficult, but it's worth the effort. When families spend time together, they learn things about one another: individual likes, dislikes, fears, hopes and dreams. In a society in which cellular phones, personal computers, $100 sneakers and luxury cars are symbols of success, maintaining a healthy, functional family should be viewed as an admirable accomplishment. Carolyn Sandlin-Sniffen teaches language arts and reading at Seminole Middle School in Pinellas County. © St. Petersburg Times |
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