April 12, 1999

Knight Ridder Newspapers

When Charlotte Chaffee was 20, she married her financial opposite. She saved money. He spent it. From time to time, she'd suggest they might want to tuck away some money, that they didn't really need new stereo speakers or to fix up the house.

For a brief period, Chaffee even tried to be a spender, but quickly learned it wasn't for her. Carrying credit-card debt for clothes she didn't need was stressful for a woman whose parents taught her, "You don't spend everything you make."

Her spouse never understood her commitment to saving, and she didn't want to keep spending. They never talked about their financial differences. That, in part, doomed the marriage, which eventually failed.

That's an all-too-familiar story in the United States, say financial experts and marriage counselors.

"There is no question that money is a major issue in divorce and marriage," said Violet P. Woodhouse, a Newport Beach, Calif., financial planner and attorney specializing in family law.

"Marriage is about communication ...but in this society we're not allowed to talk about money," Woodhouse said.

That creates a major stumbling block, because the best way couples can head off financial heartbreak is to talk about their differences when it comes to handling money.

"They'll talk about sex and death -- but not money," said Tessa Albert Warschaw, a psychotherapist who specializes in personal negotiating strategies. "Money is a mark of who you are in this culture," she said. That makes it a tough topic of conversation.

Having the "money talk" doesn't just apply to the recently engaged or newly wed. It's a discussion that couples should have throughout their relationship, Warschaw and others say.

Do you want to save for a home or retirement? Pay down credit-card debt? Maybe there never seems to be enough money to do much of anything. Couples should swap goals, concerns and wishes constantly, experts say. Needs and wants change as your marriage matures, but talking is a constant.

The first step is deciding to talk, Warschaw said.

As Chaffee learned the second time around, it can be done.

Now 33, Chaffee and her second husband, Brent, eliminated a lot of tension by talking about money before they tied the knot.

They laid out the debts and listed their goals. They agreed that saving for retirement was a big priority, and they now sock away about 30 percent of their income.

They also wanted to have enough money to visit their families, who live in Canada and Washington. They wanted a home and children. They have both: a 9-month-old daughter, Paige, and a house in Tustin, Calif.

Chaffee, an interior designer, said the talks before marriage ensured no surprises later. Their periodic talks about money help keep their shared goals in focus.

Because they are in sync on money matters, the couple's money talks are always amiable and productive, she said.

Not so for many couples. Most dread discussing credit-card debt, spending habits, even small things such as how much is spent on soda or beer, because it leads to arguments, said Steven Pybrum, a couples therapist and author of "Money and Marriage: Making It Work Together" (Abundance Publishing, $17.95).

Avoiding the talk is the worst thing couples can do, Pybrum said, because they never get to the root of their differences.

When you can't talk, it's a big clue something is wrong in your marriage, Pybrum said. He estimates that 85 percent of married couples have ongoing, unresolved issues when it comes to money, including what the money is used for.

Underlying marital issues can be revealed by hidden statements we make through our spending patterns, Warschaw said. Talking about those issues can shed light on why people might feel an emotional need to spend, she said.

One partner might always be the first to pick up the tab at a dinner during an outing with friends or might always be buying gifts for children to show his or her generosity.

The other might always buy fancy clothes that aren't needed in order to feel important.

In both cases, the individuals might be spending money to fill an emotional void. Maybe the person who buys the fancy clothes doesn't feel appreciated, so buying something makes him or her feel better.

Those emotional spending habits not only derail a savings plan, but if left undiscussed, they also prevent you from understanding why your spouse feels the need to spend, Warschaw and Pybrum say.

Talking about money forces couples to be held accountable for their spending. It also makes them look at how and why they spend, Warschaw said.

For example, with two-income couples, some people prefer to make their own independent decisions about the money they bring home because of differences in money styles.

"You can have your own money," Warschaw said. "As long as the rest of your goals are being met."

All content © copyright 1999 Detroit Free Press

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