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Let
kids be kids: Role reversal takes heavy toll on children |
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Published: April 2, 1999 By Ann Doss Helms A drug addict's child struggles to get his younger brothers and sisters ready for school. A young beauty-pageant contestant beams at her mom, who is proud to call her daughter her best friend. A straight-A student comes home and starts supper, knowing she'll spend the evening listening to her dad talk about his troubled personal life. On the surface, these young people might seem to have little in common. But on a deeper level they do, according to a University of North Carolina Charlotte professor and two Atlanta therapists. All three children have been "parentified," or forced into adult roles too early. And all three can expect to bear emotional scars in adulthood, these experts say. "In a nutshell, parentification is violation of a generational line," says Bryan Robinson, professor of counseling, special education and child development at UNCC. "It's a line that says, 'We're adults and you're children.'" Robinson believes that line is being crossed more often these days, and not just in clear-cut cases involving neglect, sexual abuse and severely troubled parents. It's happening, he says, in outwardly successful families with parents who are absorbed in work, stressed by divorce, or just plan afraid to say "no" to their kids. The children can be saddled with practical burdens, such as having to run a household and raise siblings, or emotional ones, such as serving as a parent's confidant and protector. When parents won't be parents, children are robbed of childhood. And they often grow up trying to meet everyone else's needs, feeling they can only be loved for what they accomplish, Robinson says. "You hit 35 and there's this churning and this unhappiness," says Robinson, who also has a private family therapy practice. "Wearing mama's apron and trying to fill daddy's shoes -- they're still doing it in their marriage and they're burning slap out." Much of what Robinson and his colleagues say sounds like old-fashioned common sense: Parents owe it to their children to set limits, make tough decisions, be the caretakers and handle their own adult problems, rather than dumping them on the kids. But breaking the cycle of role reversal isn't easy, Robinson says. Children taking on parental roles isn't anything new -- nor is it necessarily a bad thing, experts are quick to note. Taking over household chores, looking after siblings and learning to think of others' feelings are healthy steps toward growing up. And when illness, death and other crises strike, children may be pushed into new responsibilities and become stronger adults because of it. "It's when that pattern goes on and on and on, with no relief and no recognition that the child is actually a child" that the situation becomes destructive, says Nancy Chase, a therapist and Georgia State professor. She's editor and contributing author of "Burdened Children: Theory, Research and Treatment of Parentification," scheduled for release by Sage Publishers in April. Gregory Jurkovic, a Georgia State professor, is author of the 1997 "Lost Childhoods: The Plight of the Parentified Child" (Brunner/Mazel, $37.95). Chase, Jurkovic and Bryant say it's important for professionals to understand how this kind of situation damages whole families. "I think it's quite prevalent, and it often appears in kind of this invisible way," Chase says. There are two main ways parents breach the generational line: By forcing children into adult territory, or by crossing over into the children's turf. The first situation often happens when one parent is left to care for the children because the other is absent, emotionally distant or disabled. Divorce, workaholism, depression and addiction are common causes. The parent may tap a child -- often the oldest or the one with the strongest personality -- to fill the other spouse's role. That can lead to what experts call "emotional incest," in which a parent shares personal or sexual information that's not appropriate for the child. Or it can mean a child is forced to become the emotional head of the household, comforting mom or dad, making sure the other kids are OK and doing without the support he or she needs. Just as damaging is when a parent tries to become a child, the experts say. An adult -- often one who was deprived of proper parenting as a child -- may try to be the child's buddy, plunging into the child's life and refusing to do anything that would upset the child. For instance, a mother may try to create the childhood she wishes she'd had, leaving dad to handle all the discipline. "That creates a lot of resentment," Robinson says. "What they don't have is a mom who's an adult. They have a mom who's a sister, and dad becomes the single parent of three children." Therapists working with such families must help the family rebuild the proper roles, the experts say. Parents need to acknowledge the burdens they've placed on children. If they're emotionally dependent on a child, they must learn to seek support from other adults. If they've failed to be the caretaker or leader, they need to learn those skills, even if that creates more conflict at first. All rights reserved. | © Copyright 1999 |
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