| Thursday, March 25,
1999 By Steve Payne
Toronto Sun
A good-looking rich doctor in the nation's
capital, he seemingly had it all: Beautiful wife
and kids, gorgeous house, great car.
Then sex reared its head. He liked it, his wife
didn't.
So, despite adoring his family, when other women
beckoned he willingly dropped his pants.
Eventually, realizing the error of his ways, he
took drastic measures to get his wife's attention.
Incredibly, he purposely timed a tryst at home so
his wife would walk in and catch him making out.
"He was so tired of sneaking around with
other women that he wanted to get caught,"
says Ottawa sex therapist Sue McGarvie. "He
loved his lifestyle and family but because his
wife had a low sex drive, this was his way of
confronting it."
His wife threw him out.
'WORKED THROUGH IT'
Two weeks later they met for a clear-the-air
dinner.
Get yourself some counselling, the scorned wife
demanded, then we'll get therapy together.
"They worked through it and are back with
each other," says McGarvie, who helped the
couple.
Adultery is commonplace.
Put any 14,000 couples in Maple Leaf Gardens and
chances are at least half will have been
unfaithful.
Naturally, the usual reaction to adultery is to
give the cheat his permanent marching orders.
Bad idea, according to the therapists.
"Adultery is a brush with death, a
dysfunctional attempt to stabilize a relationship,"
says New York family therapist and author Dr.
Bonnie Eaker Weil. "Look at it as a cry for
help, a wake-up call. Don't throw him out and
call a divorce lawyer."
The author of Adultery: The Forgiveable Sin, she
says the victim may have contributed to the
sexual wandering.
Wives may spend too much time with a new baby,
she says, or work so hard that the partner gets
short-changed.
Whatever the case, she recommends counselling.
"Most people who fell in love together want
to stay together," she says.
Therapists say sensible, well-thought-out
responses to philandering can often mend or even
strengthen marriages.
For one thing, some counsellors argue there's a
difference between a one-night stand and a
secretive, long-term affair.
One dabble, perhaps, is more forgivable than a
dozen.
"I would be more concerned about who my
husband was having coffee with at work than with
a one-night transgression," says McGarvie,
"but I would not encourage it."
She says get the cheater "out of your face"
for a while, but adds, "Don't be too quick
to throw in the towel completely."
At some stage, she continues, decisions must be
made on whether to get back together or split
permanently.
She suggests therapy, saying, "An affair may
be a cry for help, a catalyst to start talking
honestly."
Apart from the couple sorting out their own
feelings, experts say social status, finances and
religion can play a part. Children, if there are
any, are a significant factor.
Kids can feel responsible for a parental break-up,
become a pawn or be encouraged to take sides, say
therapists. They may also be guilt-ridden when
they've done no wrong.
Therapists insist that both parents must reassure
kids of their love for them and emphasize they're
not to blame.
In her book, The Complete Idiot's Guide To A
Healthy Relationship, clinical psychologist Dr.
Judy Kuriansky says major reasons why people
cheat are the monotony of daily routine; sexual
boredom; unexpressed anger; increased
opportunities for adultery and life crises.
But "despite the heartbreak that comes with
infidelity, couples can still make their love
work," she says.
'CHECKLIST'
Victims have to accept and face the anger,
depression and distrust, she says, talk to their
partner about their relationship and see if a new
commitment to each other is possible.
In her "affair survival checklist,"
Kuriansky suggests time out; re-examining
attitudes on commitment and monogamy; showing
compassion to each other; counselling and
lifestyle changes to allow for time together.
Marriage and family therapist Orville Green, an
associate with the Institute of Family Living in
Toronto, says each case of adultery has different
circumstances to consider.
He says that if as a result of a previous affair
it was a condition that a repeat would end the
marriage, then kicking a cheating spouse out is
reasonable.
"If it's a first-time affair then telling
them to leave may not be the best way," he
says.
He says allow a cooling-off period and then talk.
"I suggest counselling because when couples
talk alone, emotions may get in the way of
arriving at any sensible decision," he says.
"I do not know what the right reaction is to
finding out about an affair," says sex and
marriage therapist Dr. Robert Langford. "That's
it, you're outa' here may be justified.
"There's a natural feeling of anger, a
betrayal of trust, but what's said today is not
necessarily the same as a week later," adds
Langford, a University of Toronto professor.
Copyright ©
1999, Canoe Limited Partnership.
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