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| Love and live busily ever after | |
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March 23, 1999 Kathleen Parker - Orlando Sentinel That there's no simple, easy way to keep a marriage going should never deter people from trying, says Kathleen Parker . What makes marriage work? If I knew the answer to that question, I'd be trading my canoe for a yacht. Instead, I'm attending seminars, listening to experienced husbands and wives trade secrets. As secrets go, this one won't tempt the grapevine. The consensus seems to be that there is no answer. There's no one-size-fits-all formula that guarantees a happily-ever-after ending, although eliminating the last line in fairy tales might be a good start. My favorite remark in a recent, informal discussion of marriage came from a mother who said she edits her children's fairy tales. At the end of every story, she tells her little ones, ``They fell in love, got married and worked very, very hard.'' Married people don't need reminding that marriage is hard work. We all learn, usually within a couple of years, that the blush of ``love'' (read: lust in most cases) fades when the stresses of real life settle in -- bills, mortgages, jobs, children. Then we begin to notice the little things about our beloved, once considered adorable idiosyncrasies, that illuminate the genius behind duplexes. Yet, the hard work of a relationship is the last thing people consider when they're planning a wedding. That said, I'm not of the school, as some are, that weddings should be eliminated. A recent letter writer suggested we ditch the ceremony, beginning with the concept that women are virgins given away by their fathers. Everybody knows most brides today should wear beige, but some traditions are worth preserving for their own sake. I like weddings. I like the music, the flowers, the dresses, the pageantry, as well as the undercurrents and subplots inherent in all human endeavors. I also like hearing the vows again, to be reminded of how we all felt once upon a time. Even so, we'd do everyone a favor if high school graduation were to be made conditional upon successful completion of a marriage and parenting course. Most kids today could lead a workshop on condom selection and application, but they couldn't muddle through a cogent argument with a loved one. Meanwhile, we might also point out to the nuptial-bound that life, contrary to the ruminations of hospital inmates, is not short. It can be remarkably long when you're badly married. Imagine getting married at 18 and living to be, say, 87. With the same person pulling the blanket from your side of the bed every single night for the rest of your life. The fact is, we never imagine it. We think: Love 'n marriage ... you know the rest. We forget about the blanket. And the snoring. And the bunny slippers. And her mother's figure. We also tend to think: divorce. If it doesn't work, we can always get a divorce. This is not a good concept going in the door. If you're always watching the clock for quitting time, you're probably not doing your work. For marriage is work, and there's no quitting time. It's a work in progress based on compromise, sacrifice and mutual respect, which is actually less fun than it sounds. One woman who spoke during this informal discussion said she and her husband have divorced five times and remarried six during their 33 years of marriage. That is, at every turning point in their marriage, they renegotiated their contract. What's working, what's not? What do we need from one another to keep this thing going? What kept her and her husband from getting a real divorce when things went south was something we don't teach the young -- the expectation and understanding that marriage is a series of ups and downs, that some days (and weeks and months) marriage isn't fun at all. The secret -- if there is one -- may be so simple as to have escaped our notice. It's called sticking it out. You probably won't be slow-motion running through fields of clover every day. On the other hand, you may look across the breakfast table one morning and lock eyes with someone who knows you better than anyone else in the world, and loves you anyway. Kathleen Parker is an Orlando Sentinel columnist. |
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