For Families: Getting Through Tough Times

By Patricia Tanner Nelson

After breaking yet another plowshare and remembering past troubles with the rock, he finally did something about it. When he put his crowbar under the rock, he found that it was only 6 inches thick and that he could break it up easily. He smiled as he carted it away, recalling the headaches the rock had caused when getting rid of it was so easy.

There is often a temptation to bypass small obstacles when we are in a rush to solve large problems. We simply do not want to stop and take the time to deal with it. Like the farmer, we "plow" around it. We tell ourselves that we'll come back to it. What often happens is that we never do.

In a similar way, farm families struggling in a drought may put off dealing with the emotional side effects, but acting on several fronts can bring quick rewards.

Setting Goals

Strategic planning offers farm families a systematic way to deal with the challenges a drought presents. Planning helps families create a future by participating and influencing change rather than standing helpless on the sidelines. It is a tool to help you know where you are going.

First, family members must believe they can influence their future and believe there is a need for change. Then, all members must be willing to invest the time and effort to turn a shared vision into a reality.

A good place to start is with a family meeting. Create a positive atmosphere, free of interruptions. Identify the specific problem or goal and identify what each person involved wants. Then, brainstorm to bring out all the possible solutions while sticking to these rules:

• allow no criticism of ideas until everyone has spoken
• encourage unusual, wild ideas
• build on solutions already suggested
• once brainstorming has been completed, rate each solution by listing the pros and cons. Arrive at a consensus, one with which everyone can live.

Decide who will do what, making sure each person is clear about his or her role. Try your plan for a month or so. At the trial's end, decide what worked and what did not. You may want to try another solution.

Spending Time Together

Researchers have found that persons who do not have close relationships are four times as likely not to live to their normal life expectancy as those who do. This finding holds true for both men and women. Families under severe financial stress often withdraw from church and community activities because they feel embarrassed and pressed for time. But this is when they need their church and friends the most. Regular, informal get-togethers with friends can be a lifesaver.

It is natural to want to isolate yourself when you feel stress, but a healthy option is to spend time with your family. Good stress managers spend time with their families regularly and tell members they love them, a message people need to hear each day.

Family members should ask for attention and praise if they feel they are not getting enough. One mother who felt taken for granted piped up one night: "Nice dinner, Mom!" Her shocked teenagers and husband got the message and learned to praise her regularly.

Families that manage stress well also:

Help members note successes. A human tendency is to focus on our failures. To have a realistic idea of our potential, we need to have ways of noting our successes as well as our failures. We do the best job of capitalizing on our resources when our self-esteem is high.

Focus on the present. They avoid "What if..." scenarios and "If it weren't for..." regrets.

Say specifically what they want. They pin down what people expect of them. This gets expectations out in the open.

Spend time alone. They talk with, listen to, and enjoy each other. Husbands and wives who spend a regular night away from the children find that this time is important for the growth of the whole family.

Plan family fun time each week. Try to do something everyone can enjoy and benefit from. Make your own traditions. Schedule an annual family get-together at a nearby lake or park. Make a date to go on a picnic, build a snowman, take a walk, wash the car, or go camping. Let children share in the decision about where to go or what to do. Organize a ball game with new rules and handicaps so in the end everybody feels good.

Practice good conflict-management skills. It is a myth that strong families never fight. They do. They just know how to air their differences and remain good friends. While it is tempting for stressed family members to start blaming each other, they should see that tendency as a tension overload signal and work to lower the stress level. Some families set a kitchen timer for 10 minutes when members start arguing. No one can talk with anyone else until the timer goes off. And all family members must respect the cooling-off period.

Tips For Couples

A characteristic of happily married couples is the presence of a strong internal support system. These marriages are therapeutic relationships in which partners give each other support, reassurance, and personal validation. That, in turn, leads to a sense of security and self-confidence.

Researchers Pearlin and Johnson studied how spouses counsel each other: "What we have learned suggests that marriage can function as a protective barrier against the distressful consequences of external threats. Marriage does not prevent economic and social problems from invading life, but it apparently can help people fend off the psychological assaults that such problems otherwise create. Even in an era when marriage is a fragile arrangement between couples, its capacity to protect people from the full impact of external strains makes it a surprisingly stable social institution."

When you realize that you are under stress, it often helps to talk over your feelings and perceptions with a faithful friend or spouse. You can check your perceptions with questions like, "Is this what you saw (or heard)?" Let them know about problems you are trying to solve. Maybe they can help you think of possible solutions.

Farm husbands and wives often rate their marriages as happier than nonfarm spouses. This may be because farm families spend a lot of time working together. But the crucial ingredient in a happy marriage is the quality of communication. Partners who practice good communication send clear, direct messages, pay attention to each other's feelings, and respect each other.

When happily married couples are compared to those who say they are unhappy, the happy couples:

• express more affection
• reveal more about themselves to their spouse
• are more tolerant of their spouses
• provide more encouragement and concern for each other
• do more favors for each other and give more gifts to each other
• have fewer feelings for each other that they do not express

Characteristics Of Strong Families

Families that handle stress well have a way of becoming stronger during crises that might cause others to fall apart. Their secret is in the way they deal with a crisis. Strong families:

Value family life. Members share commitment, spend time together, express appreciation for each other often, communicate honestly, listen actively, and are proud of their family.

Strongly connect with their neighborhoods and communities. They participate in many aspects of community life. They are aware of resources that their community offers them and use them efficiently. If they find themselves in trouble, they rely on a support network of neighbors, relatives, and friends. Strong families also provide support to troubled families around them.

Actively solve problems. They start to solve problems right away, rather than waiting for problems to fix themselves. Members' relationships are flexible--that is, they can alter roles when needed. The family does not collapse because one person is not there to do his or her job.

Look for the positive side in a crisis. They often interpret the problem in a way that makes it easy to accept if they have no control over it. They break big problems into small pieces they are confident they can handle. They think of problems as challenges.

This publication has been issued in print by the North Carolina Cooperative Extension Service as publication number AG-517-2 (December 1994).

This file is one in a series of electronically available drought information publications produced with support from the U.S. Department of Agriculture, Extension Service, under special project number 93-EFRA-1-0013. The Drought Disaster Recovery Project was a joint effort of the Extension Services in Delaware, Georgia, North Carolina, South Carolina, and Virginia.

Published by

NORTH CAROLINA COOPERATIVE EXTENSION SERVICE
North Carolina State University, Raleigh, North Carolina

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