Fact Sheet

HYG-5173-97

Family Life Month Packet l997
Family & Consumer Sciences
Campbell Hall
1787 Neil Avenue
Columbus, Ohio 43210

In some families, employment of a partner requires traveling or taking a position away from the primary family residence. It is important that parents explain what is going to happen before they leave the household for any extended time. Even a simple explanation can be difficult for a child to understand.

Each child reacts a little differently in a stressful situation. It depends on age, temperament, and personality. A child may be shy or clingy, have a temper tantrum, or revert to childlike behavior. A young child may not be convinced that you are the adult they know. One common reaction by children is to ignore the returning parent but gradually warm up to them.

Knowing the social and emotional developmental stages of children at different ages can help a parent better understand a child's reaction and deal appropriately with the situation.

Infants

Infants fuss, cry, and pull away from the returning parent. Even a short absence can cause the child not to recognize the returning parent. For that reason, a child may cling to the adult that has always been present and treat the other person as a stranger.

The parent can slowly regain the child's confidence. Talk to him or her and perhaps the child will recognize your voice. Repeat the actions you perform when you are at home and the child will gradually remember the adult. Be patient.

Toddlers and Preschoolers

Toddlers and preschoolers play independently around other children and play contentedly alone if near an adult. When an adult returns they may demand personal attention and want to be with that person constantly. Children at this age like to help adults and have conversations with them and be praised. The child wants to feel independent. Toddlers may feel guilty for making the parent go away. They may experience separation anxiety. A child may play games with the returning adult by offering the adult a toy and then failing to release it. Toddlers and preschoolers will whine and be fussy. Even at this age the returning parent may have to prove he or she is really the parent. Older children may revert to childlike behavior. Children may test both parents to the limits and demand more attention than usual.

Elementary School Children (Ages 6-8)

These children may dread the return of the absent parent. They know things are different when the adult returns. They know that they will lose attention. A reaction may be the child demanding lots of attention. Elementary school children may complain of stomach cramps and headaches in response to an adult returning. Children in early elementary school may be shy or may act out their anger. They may be competitive, blaming, and moody or they may talk a lot to gain approval and attention.

Preteens (Ages 9-11)

Preteens are very social and prefer to spend time with their friends. They learn acceptable behavior patterns and consequences through their peer relationships. Preteens find mothers all important in life but begin to pull away from parents and show interest in friends as they get older. These children need lots of reminders and usually have not developed a good concept of time. They are impatient. They will begin to challenge the rules and limits set by adults. They may be very bossy. They are interested in team activities and are competitive. They strive for unreasonable independence but may crave periods alone. They may not want anything to do with the returning parent or they may challenge the parent to the limits or they may talk constantly to gain approval.

Teens

Teenagers may be concerned about new responsibilities and rules when the parent returns home. They may refrain from communicating with adults or challenge adults' knowledge. Some teens crave to be alone. They want to be independent and resent being told what to do. These children may become excited about the returning adult. Many teens set self-imposed standards that cannot be lived up to. They tend to misdirect anger, which could cause trouble in school or the community.

Reunion Guidelines

• Go slow and be patient when returning to children. Observe their actions and be flexible--but not a pushover.
  
  
• Communicate with each child individually. A very important way to build relationships is to ask questions and be interested in activities and feelings. Let the child know that she or he is special.
  
  
• Let children know you are proud of their accomplishments. Ask them to save pictures for you and talk about the feelings of winning or having a great paper.
  
  
• Give the child your undivided attention; sit at his or her level and make eye contact. Don't argue or correct. Send clear and encouraging messages. Be calm and patient.
  
  
• Take it easy on the children, especially with discipline. Make changes gradually and point out the positive on changing the rules. Present a united front with other adults who have been parenting while you were away.
  
  
• Don't send the kids away so that you can have an intimate reunion with your loved one. It is important to reaffirm the bond with the children. You and your significant other can plan special times together a little later on.
  
  
• Be patient and try to be rested so that you can communicate positively with children of any age. Knowing some of the expected behaviors will help you through those first few awkward moments that may occur when an absent adult returns home. The child probably wonders how those first few moments will be as much as the returning adult.

 

References

Positive Parenting Newsletter, Nov./Dec. 1996; Vol. 2, Issue 2.

How does your child grow and learn? Missouri Department of Education, reprinted for Ohio State Department of Education, 1983.

Middle Childhood--8 to 11 years old, Kathy Oliver and Kathryn Mims, Ph.D., Ohio State University Extension, 1993.

Title: Parenting Apart
Author: Doris Herringshaw
Publication Date: 1997
Publisher/Institutional Source: The Ohio State University, Cooperative Extension Service
Contact: See publication.

Copyright/Permission:
This text is copyright © 1997 by The Ohio State University.
This text is reproduced on NPIN with the permission of the The Ohio State University, Cooperative Extension Service.
PERMISSION STATEMENT HERE

NPIN Acquisition: N00033. March 1998.

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